


The Sea Devils of Philadelphia

by LastOfThePythia



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 10:43:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11919231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastOfThePythia/pseuds/LastOfThePythia
Summary: Pangaea. The beach. Crab-flavored ice cream. Delicious glass. Yonic rock formations. An underwater species. This story has these things *and* other things that you encounter on your average day off. Wow, that's a lot of things!I wrote the Doctor using spivak pronouns, so do not be confused when you see words like "ey", "em", and "eir".





	The Sea Devils of Philadelphia

“Are you --” Dee squirmed with the slippery material. “Are you shitting me? What kind of Dairy Queen has a Going Out of Business Sale?”

Dee kicked the door of the SUV shut. Seagulls made a fuss nearby as they made their way down the trail, bark and dirt crunching under their shoes and flip-flops. 

“Yeah, I know a girl who got herpes from that Dairy Queen,” said Dennis, the 6 pack he’d taken from the car swaying in his hand.

“It’s basically free ice cream right near the beach! You never see the big picture,” said Mac. Charlie made a noise of assent.

“What picture?” Dennis asked, knowing he wouldn’t get a coherent answer. And he didn’t. They emerged from the trail onto the sand as Charlie and Mac said things about America and “its Magna Carta” as it pertains to ice cream. He tried to tune them out as much as possible.

“Fine, fine, go get your stupid herpes ice cream.”

“Yeah, your herpes cream,” Dee said sharply.

“Haha, nice.” Dennis and Dee high-fived.

“Well… have fun drowning on a kid’s floatie,” said Mac, slapping it out of Dee’s hands.

“Yeah, can you even fit on that thing, man?” asked Charlie.

“What? Of course! Of course I can,” replied Dennis with a small shriek of frustration. Dee shook her head and mouthed the word “no”.

Mac and Charlie began their walk to the rocks 300 yards away.

“Hm, you think them closing down had anything to do with not being accessible by car either?” Dee said when they were out of ear-shot.

“Yeah.”

* * *

"I hope they have crab flavor."

"There is absolutely no such thing as crab-flavored ice cream, Charlie," Mac said firmly. “Anyway, they’d better be open,” he said, growing more and more tense as they approached the place.

They kept walking until they reached the pavement in front of the store, the door facing towards the water. They had to walk around the building.

"Wait, now hold on a minute." Charlie fit his hand against Mac's chest to slow him down. "This doesn't look right."

Charlie crossed the Dairy Queen threshold, his arm still outstretched in a subconscious attempt to take any damage should there be any danger. Mac followed.

"Uh, shit yeah, buddy... There's no door." His sneakers crunched glass into the grooves of the entrance-way. It looked like there had been a fire; the upholstery of the booths were badly burned, tiles were broken or missing, and, most importantly, the ice cream machine looked like it had been blown to bits.

They approached the broken-down counter and curly, silver hair followed closely by a head popped up from behind it. The man was staring pointedly at them, wielding a phallic device that emitted a high-pitched whirring sound. 

“Where did you people come from?” ey said in a very non-American accent.

Mac and Charlie made an “oooooooo” sound in unison. 

“It’s dangerous here. Whoever you are, you need to leave the area.” 

“Dude!” exclaimed Mac, “That is awesome! But – you’re uh, you’re uh...” He trailed off while snapping his fingers and pointing at the man, trying to place em.

“Holy shit, it’s a wizard,” said Charlie.

“No, Charlie, it’s that guy from that TV show.” Mac grinned in pride as it donned on him.

“What TV show?”

“The one with the dude in the telephone booth who goes around killing people for the British Empire!”

“Ohhh – oh shit!”

“What? That’s not what I do.” The Doctor was headed for the non-door, motioning for them to come along. “Wait, did you say ‘TV show’?”

“You know, The Doctor Who,” said Mac. “You should know -- you’re in it.” He shimmied his shoulders in a strange gesture that he clearly intended to be light-hearted mockery.

“That sounds bad… and looks bad,” ey said. “But yes, I am the Doctor. You’d better come with me.”

“Ha, sweet!”

They followed em. Charlie stooped to pick up some glass from the entrance-way, putting it in the breast of his jacket pocket.

“What the hell are you doing?” asked the Doctor, raising a large eyebrow.

“Delicious glass for later, just small enough for the right texture.”

“Mmm, that’s not… Charlie.” Mac pawed Charlie’s hand away from reaching to the ground again. “That doesn’t sound right.”

The Doctor stared in horror.

* * *

“Hold me up, Dee.” Dennis was floundering in the water. 

“What the hell do you mean ‘hold you up’?” 

“Just get under the mattress and hold me.”

“I am not going to do that, okay, I will drown,” Dee screamed from where she was wading.

Dennis tried to scoff, but got a mouthful of water. He had lost the battle. “This is bullshit,” he said as he got off of it and waded fully into the water. “This shit is terrible quality and I’m returning it.”

“Wasn’t it like $5 at the Dollar Store?”

“I’m displeased with the product; the trashiness of the store just doesn’t come into play.”

“Ehh, I think it does. Look, just don’t buy floaties at the Dollar Store.”

Dennis was about to throw back what would have been an epic insult when a… _thing_ came up, out of the water. It looked like Frank during a bad trip, but with more green scales. The right amount of tattered, mesh clothing, though. Dennis screamed and scrambled towards the pier. 

“Jesus Christ, what the shit is this thing?” shouted Dee.

“Quick, hit it with the floatie!” Dennis replied, grabbing for the pier's ladder. 

Dee lashed out with the floatie, but it bopped innocuously against the thing’s head. In a last ditch effort, she tossed it at the monster and let go, swimming back towards Dennis, who had fallen off the ladder and back into the water. 

It closed in on them.

* * *

Time had passed – as it usually does – and in the later hour, the sun of Earth was beaming down on the two humans and one the one Time Lord with more aggression.

“So, like, what were you doing in a broken-down Dairy Queen?” Mac shouted to the Doctor, who was ahead of them. Ey was trying to make them run with em, but they refused to do anything more than lightly jog. At the same time, ey was searching the surrounding area with eir eyes, looking for the one person who could help em put up with this situation.

“It wasn’t broken down when I got there,” the Doctor replied stoically.

“Oh, so you really trashed that place, huh? Was it PCP?” Charlie asked.

“Christ.” The Doctor shook eir head irritably. Ey had never been as tempted as ey was now to leave innocent (perhaps) humans behind. 

The sunlight was pouring heavily down on the sand and ricocheting off of it, so ey almost missed the fallen wood at the tree line. Ey panicked upon seeing the black scorch marks. Ey had last seen Bill when ey had told her to run back to the TARDIS. At least ey knew she had taken the words to heart, but that just meant that she had had no other choice. 

Back when ey had gotten word of the Sea Devils’ civil war, ey’d been on Pangaea with Bill. It was a geological and geographical marvel, which she had enjoyed for about twenty minutes before asking if she could pop back into the TARDIS for some chips and soda. Okay, so maybe Benny would have been a better person to take along to that one…

The Doctor had stayed back on the prepubescent Earth, eyeing some frankly yonic rock formations when Bill had alerted em to the call. _“Some woman from UNIT would like a word with you”…_

And the fight at the Dairy Queen. Luckily they’d gotten there a day after their Going Out of Business sale, so no bystanders were harmed. After they had landed the TARDIS, they were immediately shot at with blasters. Of course. Why had they been in the Dairy Queen? Normally Dagon fundamentalists hated ice cream. It was extraordinary. Of course ey’d had to run straight to where the action was and obviously ey had almost gotten Bill hurt. Ey’d told her to run for it after holding down the cash register as those maniacs had finally begun to retreat at the behest of eir sonic screwdriver.

Now, ey was frantically moving over the once-clear path, crossing over the burnt, felled tree. Bill stood holding a ray gun over a green body covered in mesh clothing. As the time-and-space travelers locked eyes, Mac and Charlie caught up with em and clambered over the pieces of tree. 

“I… I killed it, Doctor,” Bill said, her voice breaking.

“You had to,” ey replied, rushing to her. Ey hugged her and she hugged em back, hands digging into the back of eir black jacket. “You had to.”

“What’s with this blue shed over here?” Charlie asked, ignoring the girl.

“It’s a spaceship!” Mac said.

The Doctor looked up from the hug, squinting at the pair. Ey had to pull away from Bill as the two men ran to the TARDIS.

“Um, what’s with Shorty and Tattoo Man?”

“I’m not sure anyone knows what’s with them.” The Doctor sighed and walked after them, Bill at eir side. Mac and Charlie opened the doors and ran in. 

“Oh, sure, now they can run.”

The inside was full of dark silver edges, rotating glyphs, and the promise of more rooms in the distance. There was a narrow mezzanine-like ledge that circled their current room. Mac was jumping down and squealing as Charlie stared in amazement. The Doctor and Bill entered as Charlie said, “It’s like a closed bag of glue on the outside and an open bag of glue on the inside.”

“What the hell is going on?” asked Bill. “I mean, are you okay?”

“God,” Mac said, staring at the Doctor, “You are so much hotter in person.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at him just as Charlie screamed. Ey snapped eir head toward the smaller man, who was spitting blood onto the TARDIS floor. 

“Yep, I underestimated the size of the glass shard.” Charlie spat some bloody glass into his jacket’s breast pocket.

The Doctor blocked them out. Ey had to locate the base. Ey went over to the console and started inputting data. Bill came up beside em. “Are we sure this isn’t a parallel reality?” 

The Doctor stopped and looked back at her. “I’d be suicidal if it turned out that it wasn’t.”

**Author's Note:**

> What the FUCK is a note and can it get me high?
> 
> TO BE CONTINUED. Find out the answers (to what a note is and whether it can get me high).


End file.
